Have you been throwing your money away again? It's not thrown away. It's lost on a proper system!
You ought to have more sense. Listen, as a church-goer,
does tha think there's really somebody up there that knows what's going to win every race?
Well, of course He knows!
Does he ever say anything? Ohh!
It's not that I don't love Pearl. Of course I...love Pearl.
You wouldn't dare NOT love Pearl! Exactly. But that doesn't stop you feeling a magnetic attraction
towards certain other people. Look, if you're going to talk about love, Howard, I'll have to leave.
I'll only come out in a rash. I'm happier talking about the weather!
Have you never felt the impulse, Cleggy, to throw yourself into a mad, passionate affair?
Is that why you're wearing a pinny, Howard? Oh, forget the pinny!
Well, I don't think you're dressed for throwing yourself into a mad... This may come as a surprise...
I think something is going to come as a surprise to YOU. You may not believe it,
but I was built for emotional turmoil and passion. Good! Then get to the council
and argue them into giving us a new dustbin!
And are YOU built for passionate romance as well?
No, not me. I'm...with the National Provincial.
I don't know whether I'm in favour of a single European currency.
It's very mushy when you wiggle your toes. And cold.
Refreshingly cold. I was thinking more on the lines of FREEZINGLY cold!
Water's colder than it used to be.
It never used to be this cold when I were a kid.
Did you ever see any water when you were a kid? At school, you never gave the impression that you did.
I still had more fun with the lasses than thee did! I was saving myself for World War II.
What does it mean when your feet turn blue?
Probably means tha's going to be dead in ten seconds!
Yes, I knew it was something like that.
Can't you stand a little physical hardship? Look - he's enjoying it!
Oh, sorry! Oh, Howard! No problem, Howard!
You're looking well, Marina.
It's really quite pleasant, that sailboarding game.
Drifting along on the water. That's a young man's game.
No, for anybody reasonably fit, it's well within range. Well, that lets me out. Nonsense.
It's something we could all do. Dost tha know how much one of them things costs? No need for expense.
We could make our own. Ho-ho, and THAT lets me out!
Make our own! Well, Wesley could make them for us. Or better still, one for the three of us.
Why have three made when one bigger one would do for all three of us?
Oh, go to sleep! Ah, now you're talking MY kind of sport!
Oh, didn't your heart leap a little when you saw that colourful sail on that placid water?
My heart leapt a little when I saw those colourful feet of mine turning blue!
What have you got for blue feet? Some blue language if you don't behave!
Three teas, please, Ivy, love.
# And a bottle of rum for Captain Morgan here! #
It's a perfectly reasonable idea, a sailboard for three. In fact, it's an ingenious technical idea.
Obviously no-one else has ever thought of it. I mean, when did you ever see a three-person sailboard?
We could be onto something here.
The commercial possibilities are enormous. Just remember who thought of it first. Who's paying?
He's the genius. He thought of it first!
Haven't you got anything smaller (?)
Tha'd never believe he was the inventor of a three-man sailboard!
When he's made his first million, will he get it in small change?
I can see him in his Rolls Royce towing a 40-foot purse!
You can scoff! Oh, well, in that case, we'll have three buns, Ivy!
I'm trusting you.
It's a great responsibility.
I'm sending you out there with stuff I've bought and paid for!
When buyers are slow coming into your shop, you've got to go out and snatch 'em where they live!
You've got to descend on them like Attila the Hun! I don't want anyone getting away without buying.
Are you ready for this, lad? I suppose I could give it a try.
TRY ? Never mind TRY !
I want ruthless, determined, no mercy!
That's the buying public out there. They were born for people like me to sell 'em things.
People like me, and now you, lad. Oh...
I'm providing you with the vehicle, I'm providing you with the stock.
All you've got to do is sell. Don't let me down, lad.
Sign this. What's this?
Your solemn promise to reimburse me for anything damaged or stolen while in your care.
Right. Now let's find you something suitable to wear. Wear!?
It's funny. I always thought that, in after years, I'd be remembered as a trained killer.
Now they'll say, "Oh, yeah, Foggy Dewhirst.
"Didn't he invent the three-man sailboard?" What if they don't remember you at all?
I find that very unlikely. Hang on a minute! I've got summat to do.
NORA BATTY SCREAMS
You want locking up!
And you, too!
Egging him on!
The woman is a menace. Little does she realise how close she came to triggering some deadly response!
Ay, ah, YA!
I had difficulty remembering she wasn't a man. Yes, I think it's her feet.
She's got great feet! Iron out the wrinkles and she's got great feet!
If she had a slipper, tha could drink brown ale out of it!
By the bucketful (!)
Oh, help. If Auntie Wainwright's gone mobile, nobody will be safe!
Where are you going? As a soldier, YOU should know when to take cover!
Tha's safe enough. It's not Auntie Wainwright driving. Oh. Who is it?
Oh, no!
It's Aladdin!
It's all right for you lot. I daren't go back without selling something.
I feel such a fool dressed as Aladdin. I can understand that.
Don't just stand there taking the wee-wee. Buy something!
I must sell something! You're not carrying what we need.
In fact, you wouldn't get what we need in there. We are looking for an oversized sailboard.
Say no more!
I'll get back to base.
RING
Hello.
Who? Speak up!
Aladdin who?
Oh, it's you! Right, be brief. Remember calls cost money.
They want a what?
Something that can make an oversized sailboard?
Well, yes, of course I've got something!
Tell 'em to come round right away before somebody else snaps it up.
What have I got? I don't know,
but by the time they get here I'll have thought of something! And you owe me 50p for the call!
Then charge the customers. Do they think I'm running a public service?
Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard!
Did anyone recognise you? In this lot?
I told you! I think we've really cracked it this time! Oh, Marina!
CLUNK
You get 'em to retirement age, you think they'll settle down.
Now he wants to become a frogman. Well, he's got the legs for it!
It's better than him sitting around being bored! No, if they get married,
they should expect to be bored!
Well, I think boredom is very undervalued. It's the basis of every decent relationship.
They'd rather play about with water. Even as kids, they were always messing about with water!
Why this urge to get wet?
The one next door to me doesn't look as if he's got much urge to get wet, especially if it's soap and water!
Oh, him! There always exceptions!
My Barry likes tropical fish. What he finds fascinating is the mouth-breeder.
SPLUTTERING Have you no shame, girl?
Drink your coffee. Oh, Mother!
- Is there much opportunity round here for being a frogman? - I told him we're not near the sea.
What did he say to that? He says it's not the water, it's the uniform.
Yes, they do love dressing up. There's him in Arnold Street. He certainly does!
Yes. It's HER I feel sorry for. Oh, so do I.
He's so much prettier than she is. ALL: Mmm.
Urgh... A-atchoo!
ALL: Bless you.
I knew she'd sell us something unsuitable! How do you mean "unsuitable"?
This could be brilliant. We'll soon adapt this.
It's an old tin cupboard, not a boat!
It is steel. All the best boats are made of steel. And think how well it floats, a bit of steel (!)
It's got no back to it, and the doors are locked! Have faith, little sailing person.
I shall commission Wesley to make the necessary alterations.
I wish tha'd just admit it. Tha went in for a boat and came out with a tin cupboard.
I could see the possibilities. Give over! Tha came out with a tin cupboard
because Auntie Wainwright wanted to sell thee a tin cupboard! I think it's witchcraft.
She does it all by witchcraft!
Watch it, Fu Manchu! Simmer down!
Sorry, lads. I were miles away. Tha were only three INCHES away!
I've got a lot on my mind. Well, there's that hat for a start.
I... I thought you were looking for a sailboard! What are you doing with this tin cupboard?
I've got enough problems with them two!
Ah so! Me too!
Don't worry. There are worse things than wanting to be a frogman.
You don't think he's up to something? No! Why would he be?
And dressed as a frogman, how could he be up to something?
That's true. Well, I'll go and get his meal ready. Yes, I expect he'll be ravenous
after a day being a frogman.
TOGETHER: He's up to something!
What can you do? I'm only human. If people aren't buying anything, they're not buying anything.
I tried. It's not my fault!
Oh! Sold out already? Ee, lad, life's full of surprises!
I confess I had the wrong opinion. I had you written down as a complete prollock!
Just shows how wrong you can be!
AUNTIE: You great long prollock!
Get back out there! Ring some doorbells!
It's never going to float! Of course it's going to float. Stop being so negative!
What if it doesn't float? Then we give it more buoyancy. I'll bet it sinks!
I hope it does sink, then we can all go home! What an attitude!
I'm surrounded by pessimists! Some of my best friends are pessimists!
There you are, you see. It DOES float.
It's all very well her saying, "Go and ring on some doorbells".
You can't just go ringing on people's doorbells!
She'll kill me if I don't. Maybe you CAN go ringing on people's doorbells.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: Bog off, you Chinese twit!
I hate it, I hate it!
You haven't been dangling long enough to hate it. I do!
Oh, stop complaining, man. You're in perfectly capable hands.
Capable, tired and ACHING hands!
Don't let me go! No-one's going to let you go until you're exactly over the boat. You'll miss!
We won't miss! Can I open my eyes now?
Ow! Don't let me go! Will you stop upsetting him?
TOOT TOOT !
GROANING
Who pipped? Some fool pipped!
You all right?
It's Aladdin! He pipped. Damn sinister, these Chinese.
It were only a small pip! You twit!
Will you pack it in? I've had a bad day. I haven't sold a thing.
There's somebody under that bridge.
Sharks!
It's not sharks. Not only murderous Chinese, now we've got sharks!
It's Howard and Marina!
Oh, has it stopped raining?
I... I was just sheltering under this bridge with this passing frog-person!
We believe thee, Howard!
Well, I don't. And I know somebody else who wouldn't.
You wouldn't sprack? You never know! Velly insclutable, these Chinese!
Why is he wearing a lampshade?
You want it, it's yours. Haven't made a sale all day.
What would I do with a lampshade?
Get a lamp. It'll make a change from turning Howard on! Be quiet!
You'll give people the wrong impression.
There is one way out of this. What's that?
You could buy something. That way, I could go back to Auntie Wainwright having made a sale.
You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
He's a swine!
Diabolical!
Have a look round the van. Full of bargains! How much do we have to buy?
The more you buy, the more forgetful I become! HE LAUGHS
When he grins, somehow Smiler is terrifying! TOOT
WA-A-AH !
SPLASH
- You buying? - No, just looking.
That'll be 50p.
For looking? Certainly for looking. Entertainment fee.
Do you think these window displays are done for nothing?
Of course, it is refundable on the first item you purchase over £20. It's all right. Keep it!
Ohh!
COINS CHINK
You've been up to something. I don't know why you should think that, love.
What sort of frogman comes home with 15 rolls of vinyl wallpaper?
It was a bargain, love.
We don't NEED wallpaper.
Fish. Frogmen are supposed to come home with fish.
Or sunken treasure.
How come you suddenly turn up with 15 rolls of vinyl wallpaper?
You've been up to something.
Did you want me?
- Do I go poking around YOUR things? - Well, no!
- No! - What makes you ask?
What have you done with my damask tablecloths?
You see the beauty of it?
Hey up, there's a leak!
Don't panic. Too late!
Tell him there's no need to panic. Well, I'll panic for both of us!
Shipwrecked at my age!
We're not sinking. It's just a little seepage between the cracks in the doors.
Why do you think I brought this beaker?
A picnic? Navy rum!
Forward planning. You simply scoop out the small amounts of water that leak through the door.
You see?
See? What fool's still got his eyes open?
Hey up, I've found a key.
I wonder if it fits. Well, don't try turning it!
GRUFF MALE VOICE: Yeah?
Subtitles by Judith Simpson BBC 1993